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Weird History And Burqini Battles
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August 16, 2016
 
 

 

The creator of Roomba knows a thing or two about “poopocalypse,” the travesty that happens to a floor when a Roomba runs over animal waste. The consumer reports are hilarious. 

 
 

#pnut4prez: Fortune Telling And Strange History

Donald Trump gave a speech in Ohio yesterday to outline his foreign policy strategy, which focused primarily on national security. There were some surprises, like Trump reversing his position on NATO, saying he would “work closely” with them to defeat ISIS, but beyond NATO and a few gibes at Hillary Clinton’s “mental and physical stamina” in the fight against ISIS, most of his speech focused on domestic issues of security. He promised the new sport of “extreme vetting” for new immigrants, a process by which he only lets in people “who we expect to flourish in our country,” though we’re not sure how he plans to predict the future for each applicant. Of course, he wouldn’t be the first US President to consult the stars

But the real star of the show was Rudy Giuliani

To quote the Spice Girls: if you want my future, forget my past. We can only assume Donald Trump sang these timeless lyrics to former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, seeing as he shared a somewhat bizarre retelling of history yesterday. During his rally speech for Trump, Rudy claimed that there had been no terrorist attacks in the US until “Obama came along.” This feels troubling coming from the guy who was mayor of New York City during 9/11, during the Bush administration. 

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Women's Clothing Banned After Men Fight About It

We wish this headline was an exaggeration, but that’s what happened when an argument escalated quickly on a beach in Corsica. It started when a few men were photographing women in burqinis, or fully-covered swimwear, without their consent. The men continued to photograph the beach-going women after the women made it clear that they did not want to be photographed. A fight eventually broke out after 40 Corsicans arrived to defend the creepy photographers, resulting in at least four people injured, including a pregnant woman. However, rather than penalizing those who were engaged in the violence on both sides, Corsica decided to ban the burqini for “inciting” the drama. The famed French island is the third place in France to ban the burqini, following Villeneuve-Loubet, who banned the bathing garb for “hygienic reasons.” 

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Another Cold War Looms As Russia Threatens American Pizza

Roman Seleznev, the son of Russian MP Valery Seleznev, is due to face trial in the United States this week for allegedly orchestrating a hacking scheme that targeted American pizza restaurants. Prosecutors argue that Seleznev was the “master hacker” behind a plan that resulted in $170 million in fraudulent purchases, putting the fine pizza establishments of Mad Pizza, ZPizza, Village Pizza and Casa Mia at risk. Obviously, this is unacceptable to the American people. The Russians can hack our DNC all they want but don’t they dare touch our pizza. 

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Things Are Murk(e)y In Turkey

The resignation of Turkey’s most senior opposition journalist and Cumhuriyet Daily Editor-in-Chief, Can Dundar, kicked off another round of soul searching in the country. The failed coup in the summer heightened tensions, paranoia and sales of books about the CIA. It also sparked a purge of all institutions, hoping to root out everyone sympathetic to the alleged coup leader Fethullah Gulen, who runs an Islamist, quasi-cult out of the Poconos in Pennsylvania. The coup and the crackdown have shifted alliances in the region. Turkey and Russia are now friends again, and Turkey and the EU are back to being frenemies. Most importantly, many Turkish secularists, long skeptical of President Erdogan, now support his crackdown. The resignation of Dundar, wanted by the government for exposing Erdogan’s ties to Syrian rebel groups, threatens to strain that uncomfortable alliance. 

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Zambia Elections: Peaceful, But Possibly Rigged

Surprising few but outraging many, Zambia’s President Edgar Lungu, of the ruling Patriotic Front party, was re-elected. The closely contested vote was immediately rejected by the country’s main opposition party, claiming the electoral process was rigged. Though the election was last Thursday, the counting process was slowed by frequent irregularities, which usually tends to prompt allegations of foul play. This was the first time the winner needed more than 50% of the vote to avoid a runoff election, but Lungu only beat his closest challenger, Hakainde Hichilema, by roughly 100,000 votes. This is the second election in a row where Lungu beat Hichilema, however, so Hakainde is feeling doubly burned. 

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KEEPING OUR EYE ON

 

Milwaukee: After two nights of violent protests, the city of Milwaukee implemented a 10 p.m. curfew for teenagers on Monday. Major Tony Barrett has asked state officials to release a video of the shooting to argue that the policemen’s actions were justified. 

Gawker: The founder and owner of Gawker Media, Nick Denton, announced yesterday that his company will be sold by the end of this week. The company filed for bankruptcy after a court ordered it to pay $140 million to Hulk Hogan.

South Africa: A woman was sentenced to 10 years in prison by a South African court for kidnapping a baby from its hospital bed and raising it as her own. Akin to something out of Jerry Springer, the girl does not wish to have a relationship with her biological parents and considers the woman who kidnapped her as her mother. 

 
 

LOOSE NUTS: FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT

NYC Airport Mistook Happiness For Gunfire

Multiple emergency vehicles rushed to New York’s John F. Kennedy International Airport late Sunday night after there was report of gunfire. NYPD evacuated two entire terminals thanks to additional calls from travelers claiming they heard shots fired in separate wings. After a lengthy investigation, police confirmed that no guns were ever present and the terminals were reopened. Turns out, it was just people cheering for Usain Bolt. Hard to believe anyone could be that happy at JFK airport, but the clapping and banging of travelers watching the Olympic star got misinterpreted as gunshots, prompting some concerned citizens to call security. 

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