Venezuelans Decide What’s Next While The US Hires An Army Of Rats

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When does a slang term become a word? When it’s used as an answer on Jeopardy.

 IN A NUTSHELL: MUST READ

 Attack In Pakistan Kills Over 60 People

A terrorist attack on a police academy in Pakistan killed more than 60 cadets while they were sleeping in the city of Quetta near the Afghan border. ISIS, which has a growing presence in Afghanistan and Pakistan, took credit for the attack. Some Pakistani officials claimed that they had “outsourced” it to another terrorist group, bringing together two hated things, terrorism and outsourcing. The attack is the latest in a series of mass casualty terror attacks that include bombing a hospital full of lawyers mourning a colleague and an attack on a school in Peshawar that killed more than 140 people.

The Only Thing Venezuelans Can Agree On Is That Their Economy Sucks

Opposition leaders in Venezuela are planning renewed demonstrations against President Nicolas Maduro, but they can’t agree on whether to engage in talks with Maduro. The head of the Democratic Unity opposition coalition Jesus Torrealba announced that he would attend Vatican-brokered talks with Maduro, but other opposition leaders are skeptical about the talks and want to put Maduro on trial. Much of the tension is caused by the dire economic situation: inflation in Venezuela is at nearly 500 percent and quickly rising. Recently, both sides have begun taking pages out of Donald Trump’s playbook, with opposition leaders claiming Maduro wasn’t born in Venezuela and Maduro claiming that the economic crisis is an international conspiracy. With Trump’s tactics being used by both sides, we can only imagine how nasty this could get.

 NUTS AND BOLTS: SHOULD READ

 Obamacare Is Donald Trump’s Favorite Medicine

As popular as President Obama is, his eponymous healthcare is, how should we put it, Donald Trump’s last talking point. The controversial Obamacare is projected to see a rise in premiums in 2017, 25 % higher than their 2016 rates, according to government run Healthcare.gov. The rise would benchmark the average premium at $302, compared to $242 the previous year. There is, of course, a contingency plan, the hike in premiums is to be accompanied by an analogous one in subsidies such that 70% of people will be insured for less than $75 a month. However, several insurers previously backing Obamacare have pulled out, further limiting access to the insurance in many states. This has given the presidential candidates plenty of fodder, suggesting big plans for reform (or obliteration) and proposing different (huge, bigger, very great) healthcare plans. Obamacare may also be a lame duck itself.

Pope Francis Is Keen To Get The Church To Admit A Mistake

It’s not easy to admit a mistake, but Pope Francis is helping the Roman Catholic Church take baby steps toward that possibility. At Il Papa‘s request, the Vatican announced that it will open its files related to the Dirty War and military rule in Argentina from 1976 to 1983. Thousands of people were murdered during the Dirty War and many accuse the Catholic Church of being complicit, or at least conveniently turning a blind eye to years of abuse. Back when Fran was still Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio, he led Jesuits in Argentina under the junta, so there are clearly personal reasons to set such a precedent. This Holy See-What-Happened plans to digitize all of the Church’s archives relating to the period and make them available to victims and their families.

Volkswagen: Is It Too Late Now To Say Sorry?

German car company Volkswagen (VW) reached a landmark $15 billion settlement over its emissions cheating scandal from last year. VW got busted last year lying to regulators on both sides of the Atlantic about how much CO2 their cars were emitting. This settlement is on par with BP’s $20 billion record settlement for its Deepwater Horizon spill in the Gulf of Mexico. The settlement, while huge, will allow VW to draw a line in the sand and save what’s left of the business, provided it reaches settlements with all the other governments its pissed off.

 SPONSORED NUTS: MACK WELDON 

Most men go through life suffering silently from the pains associated with “uncomfortable underwear.” Scholars have long argued that poorly designed briefs might be the culprit behind outbursts like when Phillipines President Duterte told Obama to “go to hell” or that time Howard Dean screamed uncontrollably on the 2004 campaign trail. To help you avoid similar outbursts Mack Weldon has redesigned men’s underwear to be more comfortable and more stylish. They are so confident about it that if you don’t like it they will send you a new style or even refund you. Sounds like a no brainer.

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 KEEPING OUR EYE ON

France: The demolition of the “Calais Jungle” officially began yesterday. French police – equipped with water cannons – stood guard while hundreds of refugees lined up for buses that will resettle them across France.

Australia: Four people are confirmed dead after an accident at Dreamworld Theme Park on the Gold Coast. All four adults were on a rafting ride when two were violently ejected and two were caught inside the raft.

 PNUTTY VIDEOS

President Obama turned the tables on Twitter’s insulter-in-chief, Donald Trump.

CNN interviewed Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne Conway. As it turns out, Conway’s life isn’t that different from how SNL depicted it.

PNUT PATRONS: The News Can Be Terrifying, But That Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Laugh At It Too

 LOOSE NUTS: FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT

 US Government Hired A Militia Of Giant Rats

In an effort to combat illegal wildlife trafficking in Africa, the US government will fund the training of an army of giant rats. This elite force can grow up to three feet long and will serve the US Department of Fish and Wildlife by detecting illegal shipments of pangolins and other trafficked species that come to ports. The US is dropping $100,000 on these new recruits and their special ops mission will begin in Tanzania. Sure, this story comes from reputable news agencies, but we still think it’s a backstory used in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, where fans finally learn about Splinter’s early years working for the government as a hired assassin.