September 01, 2016

Trump Still Likes His Walls And Rousseff Out


You can now read Daily Pnut on Medium! Check out our latest article on the disappearance of political history.


Trump Wants To Build ‘Great Wall Of America’

Trump had his most successful day since the convention yesterday when he delivered a prime time speech on his fabled “wall policy”… but not before trying to build a bridge to Mexico first. Trump shocked Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto when he decided to accept a half-hearted invitation by the President and fly down to Mexico City for a an awkward press conference. The pair discussed Trump’s love for Hispanics, presumably over a Trump Tower taco bowl. Trump looked his most Presidential yet during the joint press conference and remarked that they hadn’t discussed who would pay for the wall. Peña Nieto, presumably too shy to confront Trump to his face, later tweeted that he had assured Trump that Mexico wouldn’t be paying for it.

But the issue wasn’t settled! Trump opened his Immigration speech in Arizona with a guarantee that Mexico would pay for the wall “100%!” but they just didn’t know it yet. He then proceeded to describe his draconian immigration policy, full of walls and deportations, that played to his base and assured them that he wasn’t softening his stance on the issue.

Curious Read: We Imagine What A Trump ‘Ideological Test For Immigrants’ Would Look Like

Brazil: Rousseff Saga Reaches Anti-Climactic Finish… For Now

Brazil’s Senate voted 61-20 in favor of impeaching President Dilma Rousseff on grounds that she fudged the national accounts to hide a budget deficit during an election year. The vote ends a long and tumultuous few years in Brazilian politics that started with Rousseff’s re-election in 2014. Rousseff is spectacularly unpopular in Brazil, with low approval ratings and an ongoing deep recession. Her rivals, however, are hardly beloved. Many of them are implicated in corruption scandals that are truly bi-partisan. Rousseff’s former VP turned rival, Michel Temer, and his all-white male cabinet will serve out the rest of the term. They will have to dodge corruption investigations, a severe recession and a deeply divided nation. Good luck?


American Tourists Begin Long-Planned Invasion Of Cuba

It only took 55 years since the last time the US invaded Cuba but it looks like the Yankees are giving it another shot. Instead of bayonets and hand grenades however, this wave of invaders will be armed with the much less deadly but more insidious selfie-sticks and suntan lotion. The first commercial flights between the US and Cuba took off from Fort Lauderdale, FL yesterday marking another step in the thawing of relations between the two countries. We wonder how many Spring Break seasons will the Cubans endure before going back to a policy of isolation?

Japan Tests The Boundaries Of A Pacifist’s Budget

Japan’s defense ministry just requested a budget of 5.17 trillion yen for April 2017, prompting many to ask what could a pacifist military want with that much money? A budget for their yearbook?

The defense ministry set a new record with this behemoth request, which they intend to use to counter China’s growing military activity in the disputed islands in the East China Sea. This only increases international speculation that Article 9 – which restricts Japan’s military to a purely defensive role – is waning, and Prime Minister Shinzo Abe is happy to see it go. Since Abe came to power in 2012, he has vowed to bolster the military and address China’s seemingly dubious naval activity. In addition to developing amphibious forces to flex in front of China, the ministry also wants more than 100 billion yen to upgrade Japan’s PAC-3 missiles, which are considered a line of defense against a nuclear attack from North Korea.

US And Russia Fight Over Extra Credit

When the ISIS-linked Amaq news agency reported to the death of Abu Muhammad Al-Adnani, a top ISIS strategist, they failed to mention how he died. It’s not every day that a “success story” emerges from Syria, so naturally Russia and the United States are now sparring over who gets to take credit for it. The Americans were the first to show off, claiming one of their aircrafts targeted the high-profile ISIS leader in the al-Bab. Soon after, Russia claimed they were the ones who killed Adnani in a Su-34 bomber raid on the village of Umm Hawsh. The US really hates it when you steal their thunder though, and one unnamed US defense official fired back, telling Reuters that “Russia’s claim is a joke.”

If Russia is telling the truth this time, it would be the first time Moscow said it killed a key ISIS leader- one that came with a $5 million bounty no less. But countries seem to be fighting for the chance to say they did something effective in Syria, but extra credit on a failing grade won’t bring their score up to an A+.


Venezuela: A coalition known as MUD organized a protest that will take place today and is expected to draw hundreds of thousands of people. President Maduro’s government has already begun to brace itself, planting soldiers and armored cars patrolling Caracas.

North Carolina: The Supreme Court decided it will not allow North Carolina to use a strict voting law in the coming election. The unanimous panel agreed with allegations from the Department of Justice and civil rights groups that North Carolina’s bill selectively chose voter-ID requirements, directly blunting the influence of black voters.

North Korea: According to reports from South Korea, the DPRK executed its vice premier for education and rebuked two high-ranking officials. If confirmed, the tactic would mark a new, more heinous method for Kim Jong Un to discipline top aides.


Someone Tried To Smuggle Cocaine Through A Coca-Cola Factory

Could there be a better way to celebrate #ThrowbackThursday than with a Coca-Cola factory using real cocaine, just like in the old days? Workers at a Coca-Cola factory in southern France were expecting a shipment of orange juice when they discovered a huge shipment of cocaine instead. Sacks containing 815 pounds of cocaine (that’s 370 kilos, you narc) were hidden in shipping containers sent from Costa Rica, Coke’s spokesman said. Worth $55 million, the cocaine seizure is one of the largest in French history. Coca leaves haven’t appeared in the original Coca-Cola recipe since the 19th century and is obviously not the celebrated ingredient it once was. Authorities are not only investigating the attempted smuggle but are demanding their orange juice back.

Yes, I want to sound marginally more intelligent: