We Asked Our Readers About Dealing With North Korea… They Weren’t Helpful

Last week North Korea conducted another another nuclear test, its biggest one to date, in a show of force against the US and its allies in the region. The test is nothing new and is a sign of Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s belligerent stance towards everyone. Obama’s been able to improve ties with Cuba and Iran but, so far, hasn’t been able to crack North Korea. So we asked our readers how should the US respond to North Korea’s provocation.

The advice was varied, an alarming proportion of our readers advocated a nuclear response, others suggested trying the CIA’s playbook for assassinating Castro (they weren’t successful fyi) or deploying more weapons on the peninsula and around North Korea. Others suggested sending humanitarian aid and propaganda leaflets to show the North Koreans that life is better in the South, hoping to spark change in the regime. A few took the diplomatic route encouraging the US to work with China to apply more diplomatic pressure on North Korea. 

But then there were these amazing suggestions for how to end the crisis:

• Challenge Kim Jong to a winner take all game of tiddlywinks.
• I say we bombard them with Justin Bieber music and Kardashian selfies until they cry “Uncle!”
• North (and South) Korea feel a fierce cultural and social pride to kimchi – the lightly fermented cabbage dish. It’s not just a foodstuff, it’s the stuff of life.

  I would suggest air-dropping jars of it into North Korea. Even though the regime would forbid people to eat it, the ever-present threat of food shortages means that people would squirrel it away, just in case.

  The kimchi would, of course, be spiked with a cocktail of mood altering psychoactive pharmaceuticals. We would expect to see… Sorry, remind me… What are we trying to achieve?

• If we can capture various kitchen aromas in a bomb, and then carpet-bomb North Korea, they will march towards the south with arms raised, eating utensils in hand.

• If I was privileged enough to be one of President Obama’s advisers I would tell him to ignore North Korea. Kim Jong-un is crying for attention with his nuclear weapons in the same way that babies throw food when they want something. Maybe send him a Snickers bars, you’re not you when you’re hungry.
• I feel that if Trump were there, he and Kim Jong-un would clash with so many lies that they would both implode! End of problems.

• If I were a top advisor to the President, I’d use the same tactics I used in high school whenever I wanted mutual ‘frienemies’ to stop their petty feuding and get over themselves.

  I’d simply send a uno-a uno text to Raúl Castro, suggesting he might like to invite Kim Jong-un over for some pulled pork Cubanos, Cuba Libre Granitas, before sucking back on a few Cohiba bad boys.

  At the same time I’d inform President Obama that he accidentally left Bo’s leash back in Havana, thereby forcing Obama to casually drop in at the Palacio de la Revolución at exactly the same time, whereby the following plays out…

  Obama (embarrassed): “Oh, sorry Raúl, I see you have company… I’ll come back later.”
  Raúl: “Hola! Que bola’ Amigo!!
  He hugs Obama. Kim turns away and continues puffing.
  Raúl : “Come in compadre, sit sit… You know Kim. I’ll go mix us up some Mojitos and let you two talk…”

  And Global Nuclear war is averted. You’re welcome.

• Dip into the defense budget and have about a thousand Pikachu costumes made.  Ship them to the border of South/North Korea.  Have people get inside the suits, line up at the border and have them just sway back and forth.

  And let them figure it out.

• Just hire Dennis Rodman instead of Kerry for nuclear negotiations.