August 17, 2016

Russia Plays A ‘Great Game’ And Floods In Louisiana


NASA says July 2016 was the hottest month in recorded history… surprising literally no one.


Russia: Who Needs The Olympics When We Have The ‘Great Game’

Russia stunned the world yesterday when it announced that it used an airbase in Iran to bomb Syrian rebels. The move is the latest signal of Russia’s increasingly assertive role in the Middle East, a region it had all but abandoned since the USSR was driven out of Afghanistan. Recently, even Turkey – a long standing US ally and NATO member – began moving closer to Russia, threatening to create a powerful “pro-Russia” bloc that would complicate US efforts to do its own meddling.

All of this sounds eerily familiar…

As ol’ Marx once said, “History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.” In the 1800s, Russian and Western forces wrangled over the Middle East, and Central Asia was known as the “Great Game.” After two centuries of intrigue, the US eventually “won” the game and celebrated with an invasion of Iraq, because #Democracy. Now Russia, under Putin, feels like playing again, which sounds fun, unless you happen to live on the chessboard known as the Middle East.

River Of Tension Rising In Louisiana

Rain-swollen rivers are swallowing up parts of Louisiana, where at least nine people have died in the flood and 40,000 homes are left damaged. Search-and-rescue operations have fortunately plucked 20,000 people and 1,000 pets from flooded areas, bringing them to safety, but the search for more people continues. The state is plunging under water from excessive rainfall, and southern Louisiana is still bracing for more, as the waters have not even crested yet. Governor John Bel Edwards called the floods “historic” and “unprecedented,” but managed to leave out “terrifying” and “zombie-apocalyptic.” We don’t throw around zombie apocalypse for just anything: there are actual caskets that were unearthed from a cemetery and are now floating down streets. Already, 40,000 residents have registered for disaster aid.


Man Responsible For Promoting DPRK Image Defects

He had one job. Thae Yong Ho, the North Korea diplomat tasked with the responsibility of making North Korea look good, has defected. Not a great look. Working out of the embassy in London, Thae promoted the image of the DPRK and spent 10 years spreading the message that North Korea and its leadership under Kim Jong-un had been misreported and misunderstood. A defector this high in the ranks is hugely embarrassing for the DPRK, especially since the embassy in London is known for keeping tabs on North Korean defectors in the UK.

Fun Read: North Korea launches its first beer festival

Hackers Hacked Into The NSA To Sell Hacking Secrets

How much hacking could a hacker hack if a hacker could hack a super-hacker? No idea, but try saying that 10 times fast. A group called the “shadow brokers” hacked into the NSA and stole software that the NSA uses to hack into your naked photos. The brokers are now trying to sell that information so that other groups can figure out a way to see your naked photos. According to Edward Snowden, the hack isn’t unprecedented, however, the public showing off about it is. This might have something to do with the multiple DNC hacks, including the most recent one on George Soros, and the war of cyber words between the Democrats and the Russians… fun.

UN Forgot To Do Their Job In South Sudan

A gruesome report from Associated Press details how South Sudan troops raped, beat and killed foreigners while United Nations peacekeeping forces ignored calls for help. The damning account includes interviews from survivors who were forced to watch murders and UN forces, who were minutes away, intentionally ignored desperate calls from witnesses. These events took place before the UN recently passed a US resolution to send more peacekeeping troops to protect civilians, but these accounts still highlight, among many problems, a fundamental failure of the UN forces to report to duty when called, and uphold the core mandate of protecting civilians.


Poland: A group of treasure hunters believe they have found a legendary Nazi train filled with stolen gems and arms in south western Poland. The explorers said their ground-penetrating radar results were “very promising,” though experts say there is no evidence that the legend is real.

Mexico: The son of Joaqiun “El Chapo” Guzman may be among the group of men who were captured at gunpoint from a restaurant in Puerto Vallarta. The capture of Ivan Archivaldo Guzman, who assumed control of his father’s business in January, is another signal that El Chapo’s power is diminishing.

United Kingdom: Anjem Choudary, one of Britain’s most high-profile radical clerics, was found guilty of supporting ISIS. He will sentenced in September, and faces up to 10 years in prison.


#BrazilNuts: An Inconvenient Penis

Japanese pole vaulter Hiroki Ogita didn’t make it past the qualifying round in Rio after his penis hit the bar, in what the Huffington Post is now calling “an inconvenient penis,” though we’re not sure that’s the technical term. Though his heart and other appendages may be broken, Ogita won the gold medal of gifs. His pole problem is quickly becoming an iconic moment of 2016, no doubt for its relatable premise: another dream shattered by an inconvenient penis? If that isn’t a metaphor for modern dating…

Yes, I want to sound marginally more intelligent: