August 22, 2016

ISIS Attacks In Turkey And The EU Tries To Find Itself


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ISIS Attacks A Wedding In Turkey

Just when we thought the bombing of a wedding in Gaziantep couldn’t get any more personal and disturbing, new reports suggest that the suicide bomber behind the attack was a child, roughly 12 to 14-years-old. President Erdogan said that ISIS was behind the attack that targeted a Kurdish wedding party, killing over 50 people and wounding another 69. The young bomber targeted the wedding guests as they celebrated and danced in the street, and witnesses recount the party ending with blood and body parts everywhere. The attack is reminiscent of one of ISIS’ first attacks in 2005, back when it was still part of al Qaeda. The attack killed 57 people attending a wedding in Amman, Jordan. This isn’t Game of Thrones, this is 2016. There was once a time where people could think that weddings were safe spaces, but as ISIS continues to lose ground in Iraq and Syria, their practices continue to become more medieval.

EU Tries A ‘Reset’ Button

Tired of reeling from crisis to crisis, Italy invited France and Germany to the island of Ventotene to try and breath some fresh air into the ailing EU. Aside from being a beautiful Italian island, the place holds symbolic meaning. It was on this island that the manifesto for a “free and united Europe” was written by Italian political prisoners during World War II. Like someone trying to find themselves on an “eat, pray, love” journey after a breakup, the trio will spend the next few days figuring out the EU’s direction post-Brexit. It’s unclear that Brexit will happen though. Like a spouse who wants a divorce but won’t move out of the house (how far can we stretch this joke) British PM Theresa May announced that she won’t be rushing to leave the Union anytime soon. Oh well. If nothing else, we can think of worse places to spend August than in a picturesque Italian island.


North Korea Wants Its Own ‘Netflix And Chill’

Good news for streamers in the DPRK! The North Korean government is now coming to a bedroom near you. The country’s state broadcast television announced that it will be launching its own version of Netflix, where you can stream cutting-edge, state-run documentaries and get updates on Kim Jong-un’s activities. The program will be called Manbang, which couldn’t be a more perfect name for the at-home entertainment services it provides. Of course, it’s worth mentioning that North Korea’s near-total lack of functioning internet across the country might make it difficult for people to “Manbang and chill,” but we hope they’ll find a way.

It Finally Dawns On Americans That Louisiana Needs Help

Yesterday, Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards went on television to plead with the American public for more aid, mentioning that severe rains have already killed 13 people, destroyed 60,000 homes and have caused 100,000 people to register for federal assistance. Edwards explained, “this rain event didn’t have a name, so we have folks around the country who I think are just now realizing how significant it was.” It’s a harrowing sign of the time that natural disasters now require hashtags for better visibility. Because this disaster didn’t have a name, Red Cross donations have been lower than usual and few have contributed anything to the state’s relief.

Good Links: Ways to help Louisiana

Philippines Not Exactly Having A Summer Of Love

Philippine’s very own Donald Trump and President Rodrigo Duterte has created a new version of the “War on Drugs” that is almost as bad as when America tried it. In an effort to wipe out the drugs trade in his country, President Duterte sanctioned the killing of over 900 suspected drug traffickers. That’s a terrifying number of state-sanctioned killings considering Duterte has only been the President since June. The UN has repeatedly condemned the drive as a violation of human rights, but rather than hearing them out, Duterte gave an “expletive-laden tirade” against the UN where he threatened to leave. It doesn’t look like his War on Drugs will be ending after a jam-packed summer.


H&M: A new report out of Sweden accuses the fashion retail giant of working with factories in Myanmar, disregarding the abusive working conditions involved. The report suggests that children as young as 14 work upwards of 12 hours a day to create merchandize for the Swedish retail heavyweights.

Ryan Lochte: The Olympic swimmer managed to muster up a half-apology to the Brazilian people, saying that he was sorry he “over-exaggerated.” Critics worry he still doesn’t understand the gravitas of his actions. In his apology, he defended his behavior by saying, “I wasn’t lying to a certain extent.”

Mali: Ahmad al-Mahdi, the man accused of destroying religious monuments in the ancient city of Timbuktu, will be tried for war crimes in The Hague. He’s expected to plea guilty in this groundbreaking case, as the International Criminal Court can now bring those who destroy cultural landmarks to trial.


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 Someone Bought Stephen Curry’s Mouthguard For $3,190

In a move that either signifies extreme wealth or loneliness, somebody really paid $3,190 for Stephen Curry’s mouthguard in an online auction. And while it feels like a slimy hoax, Curry’s name appears on the saliva-laden piece, so it must be authentic. Three grand is a small price to pay for 100% certified Stephen Curry drool. However – sorry, superfan – this still doesn’t count as “making out” with the Golden State Warriors’ superstar.

Yes, I want to sound marginally more intelligent: