August 22, 2016

Illegal Americans Arrive In Canada Weary, Hungover

The election isn’t for another few months and  Americans are already finding their escape routes to Canada. An estimated 1,500 Americans illegally washed up on the safe Canadian shores after strong winds unexpectedly blew them across the St. Clair River into Sarnia, Ontario. The 1,500 migrants had originally meant to participate in the annual Port Huron Float Down in Michigan, but drunken merriment on the seas quickly turned to windswept confusion. The high winds carried rafts full of drunk migrants to various points of Ontario’s coast, meaning they had to be rescued by the Sarnia police, OPP, the Canadian Coast Guard, Canada Border Service Agency and employees from a nearby chemical company, Lanxess Canada. Americans were heard shouting “God bless Canada!” and “Thank you, Canada!” during the rescue, though Canada insists on sending them back. 

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Yes, I want to sound marginally more intelligent: