April 11, 2016

Candidates Demonstrate New York Values And Ukraine Gets Stuck



APRIL 11, 2016  /  SUBSCRIBE


The Boston Globe ran a fake front page that imagines a Trump Presidency. Not to brag or anything but we did it first… read our first and second installments of “A Man In The Trump Tower.”

#pnut4prez: Candidates Forgot Their New York ValuesBernie Sanders won the Wyoming caucuses over the weekend, marking his eighth win in the last nine matches with Hillary Clinton. But Wyoming already felt like a distant memory as he and the other candidates prepared for the upcoming New York primaries, touring the boroughs in their best efforts to appear hip. While Clinton slowed everyone down at the turnstile and Cruz tried his best to pronounce matzo, it still wasn’t as bad as when Kasich ate pizza with a fork and knife. How does that Sinatra song go again? “If I can fake it there, I can fake it anywhere.” PNUT READ: Our Guide To The Campaign Trail Ukraine’s Prime Minister Calls It Quits After Not Doing MuchAfter barely surviving a no-confidence vote in February and watching his party’s approval rating plummet to 2%, Prime Minister Arseniy Yatsenyuk finally took the hint. We’re sure it was a very loyal 2%, but that other 98% have been much more vocal when noting Yatsenyuk’s inability to tackle state corruption. Government stability is expected to remain in tact seeing as his presence hadn’t effected much change anyway. The party of President Petro Poroshenko has already nominated the speaker of parliament, Volodymyr Groysman, to fill his post. No word yet if the 2% will throw him a farewell party.

Quick refresher please? Ukraine is caught between a Europe that is playing hard to get and a Russia that really isn’t. Huge pro-EU demonstrations in January 2014 toppled a corrupt pro-Russian leader in order to install a corrupt pro-EU government. Europe, initially excited that someone wanted to hang out with them, quickly got less excited when it realized they would have to pay for dinner (and Russia was flexing its muscles). Meanwhile, reform has stalled and a civil war in the east has turned into a stalemate.


Refugee Crisis: Greece Gets Rare Opportunity To Not Be Blamed Chaos erupted on the border between Greece and FYROM (Macedonia) yesterday as Macedonian police fired tear gas, rubber bullets and stun grenades at refugees protesting their inability to continue their journey north. The Greek government called it a “deplorable act.” Greece is caught between an immovable wall and an unstoppable tide of refugees. Meanwhile, migrants not granted asylum status in the EU are being sent back to Turkey. 

Brussels: World’s Worst Game Of Whack-A-Mole Belgian police arrested four suspects and the possible third bomber in last month’s Brussels Attacks. The suspect revealed that they initially “planned to hit France” again but had to pivot to Brussels when they felt the police closing in. Europe’s hunt for ISIS cells resembles a battle with a multi-headed Hydra: every time they feel they’ve killed the head, three more pop up.  Dubai Is Such A Winner, It Will Now Beat Its Own Record Being #1 isn’t enough to some cities — they have to be both #1 and formerly #1. That’s the idea behind Dubai’s newest plans to build the tallest building in the world, beating their own record. The $1 billion project is scheduled to be completed in time for the Dubai Expo trade fair in 2020. It’s also launching the same time Saudi Arabia is intending to unveil The Kingdom Tower in Jeddah, another super-skyscraper designed to give the Burj Khalifa a run for its money. Ironically, Dubai’s new billion-dollar skyscraper won’t look much taller than the Burj Khalifa. It is meant to only be a “notch” taller to retain the top spot.  Keeping Our Eye On…
  • Dennis Hastert: Prosecutors are accusing former US House Speaker of sexually abusing at least four boys during his tenure as a high school wrestling coach. The detailed allegations come only days before his April 27 sentencing in a financial violation case, part of which involves the transfer of hush money to silence one of the accusers.
  • SpaceX: The ship made history over the weekend when it landed one of its Falcon 9 rockets on a remotely-piloted barge at sea. This marks the first time the company has successfully sent cargo to the station after its last resupply mission failed in June. This can also mean cheaper space exploration in the future. 
  • India: A massive fire swept through a temple in southern India killing at least 106 people and injuring more than 350 others. The fire started during a fireworks display which quickly trapped people inside the temple. 


Man Gets High And Stuck On A Cliff While Trying To Propose When Hellen Keller said, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all,” she probably had no idea those words would live on to inspire a man to get high on methamphetamine and climb a 600-foot cliff just to propose to his girlfriend. (Before you swoon and call it romantic, he proposed to her over the phone. What was even the point of that cliff walk?) Good news is she said “yes.” Bad news is that after the police had to rescue the romantic from his Wuthering Heights, they promptly arrested him for possession of methamphetamine. 

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