The Man In The Trump Tower — Episode Two: It Begins

This is the second part in a series of “news articles” set in a dystopian future in which Donald Trump wins the White House. (Read the first installment here, “A New World.”)

January 21, 2017

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia swore in Donald J. Trump as the 45th President of the United States yesterday in an un-traditionally rowdy inauguration ceremony.

Thousands of bros descended on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. adorned in Confederate flag gear and proudly displaying their second amendment rights. Many of those present were members of their hometown “Trump Brigades,” which have been springing up across the country ever since the withdrawal of the police from many urban areas after a backlash against their racially-charged use of force.

However, not everyone was there to celebrate. A few hundred anti-Trump supporters gathered on the periphery of the celebration to make their voice heard that Trump was not their president. Police reported that more than one scuffle broke out between the two crowds before the anti-Trump crowd eventually retreated to the capital’s fashionable hipster district.

President Trump gave a speech in line with his classic, off-the-cuff style. Lambasting those who had dismissed his rise as “losers with no vision” and calling his supporters “some of the most beautiful people in the world.” 

Below is his inauguration speech in full:

“As someone who wrote an amazing bestseller, ‘The Art of the Deal,’ and made billions of dollars making amazing deals all over the world I have to say, I knew this day would come. They didn’t. Those losers with no vision that kept saying ‘Oh, Trump doesn’t know what he is talking about,’ ‘That Donald is an entertainer not a politician.’ Well, damn right I am not a politician, and that’s why you all voted for me because this country is sick of politicians who are just letting this country lose and get weaker.

“The TPP? We lose there! NAFTA? We lose there. Trade with China? The single biggest theft in the economic history of mankind, presided over by a bunch of weak leaders. And it isn’t just trade that we lose in. We had a commander in chief for eight years that probably wasn’t American, that let terrorists into our country, and they’ve been able to set up camps and bomb our cities at will. What was his response to that? He tried taking away your guns and told the police to stop arresting people.

“Now that I am President our era of losing is over. We are going to repeal all those things that made America weak, we are going to close our borders to terrorists and immigrants who come in to take our jobs and attack our children, bringing crime and drugs with them. I won’t let China dump their toxic goods into our markets or hack in and take our trade secrets anymore.

“Now that I am President our era of losing is over. We are going to repeal all those things that made America weak, we are going to close our borders to terrorists and immigrants who come in to take our jobs and attack our children, bringing crime and drugs with them. I won’t let China dump their toxic goods into our markets or hack in and take our trade secrets anymore.

“Now that I am President our era of losing is over. We are going to repeal all those things that made America weak, we are going to close our borders to terrorists and immigrants who come in to take our jobs and attack our children, bringing crime and drugs with them. I won’t let China dump their toxic goods into our markets or hack in and take our trade secrets anymore.

“And you guys are some of the most beautiful people in the world. You supported me because you knew that I cared about making this country great, you didn’t listen to the stupid media’s conspiracy theories. You were sick and tired of seeing the best country in the world constantly lose to others and you voted for me. And I am going to make America great again!”

Controversially, the inauguration ceremony was boycotted by all previous Presidents of the United States in an unprecedented display of bipartisan revulsion at President Trump’s proposed policies and campaign rhetoric. Present in the audience, however, was Prime Minister Viktor Orban of Hungary, Tayyip Erdogan of Turkey and French Presidential hopeful, and Europe’s Donald Trump, Marine Le Pen.

Few details have emerged about the makeup of his cabinet. Rumors abound that Carl Icahn is slated for the role of Secretary of Treasury and that former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann might be nominated as Secretary of State. President Trump has, so far, refused to name a Vice President, saying he doesn’t need a number two or backup.

Analysts have spent the last few weeks trying to gauge what Trump’s policy agenda will be once he takes office, or if one, in fact, exists at all. Thousands of Hispanics, anticipating a xenophobic backlash against them have begun “reverse-migrating” to their countries of origin. 

China sent a delegation to meet President Trump and were greeted with vague statements that they “would be able to business” together, which were at odds with what he had been saying on the campaign trail, giving them hope that President Trump would be a more pragmatic deal-maker.

It seems that it may be too early to determine how the Trump Presidency will shape up to be…