Turtles?

THE WORLD IN A NUTSHELL

JANUARY 7, 2016 / SUBSCRIBE

PNUT GALLERY

“I met a joyful tortoise on the way to the Reagan library.” The words of Jeb Bush who apparently carries baby turtles around in his pocket to remind people that “slow and steady wins the race.” Jeb! Can turtles vote?

IN A NUTSHELL: MUST READ

North Korea: We Can’t Tell If It Was An H-Bomb Or Kim Sneezing North Korea (a place where marijuana is strangely legal) continued to boast of its first ever hydrogen bomb test and called the US a “gang of cruel of robbers.” US and South Korean officials cast doubt on the claims saying the initial analysis was not consistent with an H-bomb test (did they, didn’t they?). The UN Security Council was convened, new sanctions were promised. Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un probably just kept eating cheese.
What does this mean? NK is like an angry kid (except with nuclear weapons). The young Kim Jong Un’s latest H-bomb proclamations are an attempt to cement his status at home as a tough guy and show the world that NK is a power to be reckoned with. Real change will come not from sanctions but when NK’s main ally, China, decides to stop supporting NK. China does so to prevent its neighbor from collapsing which would trigger a mass refugee crisis in the region.

GOOD BOOK: “Nothing To Envy: Ordinary Lives In North Korea.”
Markets: Listen, We Are Just Going To Take 2016 Off
Another terrible day for markets in the first trading week of the year as China’s stock exchange dropped 7% in 29 minutes. Oil was also down more than 3% and billionaire investor George Soros (the guy who “broke the Bank of England”) warned that we are on the cusp of a 2008-style crisis. Optimism… it’s a fool’s errand.

NUTSHELL: Pnut On China’s Economy

NUTS AND BOLTS: SHOULD READ

Facebook Wants To Show You A ‘Whole New World…’…Without you even having to leave your couch. Facebook launched its virtual reality Oculus Rift headset for $599 yesterday. The device lets you pretend like you are on the beach, fighting aliens, visit the louvre… all while looking like a complete tool as you run into your coffee table. Buy it now and get two games for free!

Billions Of People Given Opportunity To ‘Netflix And Chill’Netflix officially went live in most of the world (except China, Syria and a few others) yesterday, giving date night a whole new meaning. Shares of the streaming service jumped more than 5% on the announcement as Netflix broke new ground in a truly global media landscape. Indians can now “Netflix and shaadi” while Russians might “Netflix and annex.”

GOOD VIDEO: Netflix Stuff You Can Watch All Over The World

#pnut4prez: Could I Have Some Tea, But Hold The Trump PleaseThe UK parliament will hear a debate on whether or not to ban Donald Trump from entering the country. Over half a million people signed the petition which began after Trump made his comments to ban Muslims from entering the US. We presume the UK will need to ban Trump until they “understand this dangerous problem” and determine if his hair is radioactive.

Keeping Our Eye On…

Arms Length: Cologne’s Mayor drew ridicule and ire after suggesting women keep an arm’s length from strange men to avoid sexual harassment, implying victims were to blame for a mass sexual harassment attack in the city over NYE.
UK Political Comedy: Britain’s far-left Opposition leader (and parliamentary beard of the year) Jeremy Corbyn carried out a chaotic re-shuffle of his ministers which lasted 34 hours (about 33 hours longer than normal) and resulted in three resigning.
Orthodox Christmas: Yes, it isn’t over yet. Due to a historical misunderstanding with calendars some Christians are celebrating Christmas today. You might find them looking particularly festive and lonely in the office today, give them a hug and wish them a Merry Christmas.

LOOSE NUTS: FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT

Google Calls Russian Foreign Minister ‘A Sad Little Horse’ Google Translate, that service you use to look up inappropriate words in foreign languages, had to fix a glitch yesterday where certain words from Ukrainian to Russian were mis-translated. The word “Russia” translated into “Mordor” (an evil volcano kingdom in Lord of the Rings) and the Russian Foreign Minister, “Sergei Lavrov”, was translated into “a sad little horse.” Unclear whether this was a hack or not but absolute genius nonetheless.