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IN A NUTSHELL: MUST READ

RBS: Sell Everything, Go Into Hiding, Buy A Goat!
Markets tanked a day after the Royal Bank of Scotland told investors to “sell everything” in anticipation of a “cataclysmic year” ahead (thanks for the optimism guys). After a good start to the day due to positive news out of China, the Dow reversed course and closed down 2.2%. Oil also continued its slide, dipping below $30 a barrel for the first time since 2004, increasing the probability that we will see more bankruptcies in the sector.

It’s not even worth buying a Powerball ticket now, as there are at least three winners for the $1.5 billion grand prize and you probably aren’t one of them. 

GOOD READ: RBS’s Note To Investors
Indonesia: A New Victim Of Terrorism… 
Terror and confusion gripped the Indonesian capital, Jakarta, this morning as multiple bomb and gun attacks targeted a shopping mall in the heart of the city. As of writing at least seven people are feared dead and the attack just declared over. This is the first major terror attack on Jakarta since security forces disrupted the local al-Qaeda affiliate after a 2009 hotel attack.

Who did it?Early indicators imply that the attack was the work of ISIS sympathizers in Indonesia. The country has had a few hundred citizens join ISIS and has been warning that an attack may be imminent. Recently, police arrested a number of Indonesian nationals with ISIS ties. This would be the first attack by ISIS in Indonesia. 
   

NUTS AND BOLTS: SHOULD READ

Al Jazeera America Discovers People Don’t Watch Cable Anymore Al Jazeera America, the Qatari funded upstart competitor to CNN and Fox News, announced yesterday that it would be throwing in the towel and shutting down its doors by April. In response, the parent company will be expanding its digital services (presumably by moving into snapchat) to cater to the changing behavior patterns of US consumers. 

French Jews: Kippa Or No KippaA prominent Jewish leader in Marseille called on his co-religionists to avoid wearing the kippa (Jewish skullcap) after an attack on a Jewish school teacher by a “self-radicalized” youth in the French city of Marseille. This was the latest in a series of attacks on French Jews, the most deadly being on a Jewish Deli in the wake of the Charlie Hebdo attack. Francois Hollande called the idea that French Jews would have to hide their faith “intolerable.”

CONTROVERSIAL READ: Is It Time For The Jews To Leave Europe? By Jeffery Goldberg

#pnut4prez: The (Republican) Establishment At A LossWith Iowa just around the corner (17 days) Republican leaders are growing antsy at the possibility of a “contested convention.” This occurs when a candidate doesn’t win the majority of the party’s delegates in the primaries. The fear is that this would weaken the party by exposing divisions and prolonging the period of uncertainty before the general elections… Tough few weeks ahead. 

Keeping Our Eye On…
 

• Friends: They are back! The six cast members are returning for a two hour special on NBC next month. Turns out they really were just on a break. 
• Turkey: Kurdish separatists killed five in a car bomb attack on a police station in South Eastern Turkey. This is a separate group from ISIS, who killed eight people in Istanbul earlier this week.    
• Apologies: After Iran released US sailors who strayed into its territorial waters the internet tried to determine who apologized to Iran and why. Turns out Kerry didn’t apologize but one of the sailors did, according to Iranian TV, although he probably did it so he could get the eff out of Iranian custody. 

LOOSE NUTS: FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT

This Weekend’s Dress Code? El-Chapo Chic Now we know, some of you saw the story of Sean Penn interviewing el Chapo and thought to yourselves, “man, I have to have that shirt.”  Turns out, you aren’t alone. According to the shirt’s designers, Barabasmen, demand has been off the charts for the “most wanted shirts,” crashing their website twice. At $128 a pop, you can get one for yourself here for the next time you need to hit a “late night buffet on a cruise ship.”

H/t to Anna K for today’s video.

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